Caught In The Act
by twilightnite
Summary: Sugar high Felix, loads of mayhem, insanity, singing, and a bunch of funness. A side of the Volturi like you've never seen before. /OOC Characters, inspired by Ame Warashi's devianART Voltrui mugshots./
1. JANE!

**Inspired by ****Ame Warashi's devianART drawings of the Volturi mug shots. **

–**shifty eyes- Not that either or us know what it's like to get a mug shot. Or go to prison for that matter. –shifty eyes again-**

**Then again you never know…..**

**OOC Characters. Don't own Twilight (Or the Barenaked Ladies song 'Jane')… same old…same old… Oh, and Felix goes bonkers, funness though, lots of funness.**

**A side of the Volturi like you've never seen before.**

_**JJJAAANNNEEE!!!**_

_**(JANE!)**_

"Let's go mug somebody."

"Felix no," Demitri groaned, rested his head back against the stone wall.

"But it was fun, the guy never saw it coming." Felix protested in boredom as he paced the long and elaborately decorated hallway.

"That's because he was _blind_ stupid." Alec retorted from his little corner where he sat reading a book.

"I'll _make_ you blind if you don't shut up about mugging someone." Demitri growled from where he stood. Alec rolled his eyes, going back to reading _'Criminalistics for Dummies'_.

"A-hem," A booming voice sounded from the end of the hall, making a few of the guard members jump. "Felix, come." Aro called, smiling as Felix walked over, trying to hide his smile as well. As he approached him, Aro reached out to grab his shoulder. He frowned as he read Felix thoughts but merely shrugged as his smile returned.

"I have a special, erm, _treat_ for you…" Felix rose his eyebrows but followed Aro into the large circular room. The giant doors slammed behind them as Alec set down his book, smirking.

"So who won the bet?" He asked, leaning forward. Heidi rolled her eyes, lying back down on the couch.

"Demitri said five and I bet seven." She closed her eyes as Alec nodded at Gianna.

"How long did it last?" Gianna looked down at her wrist, checking her watch.

"…Six minutes, and forty-two second and counting." Heidi smiled as Demitri frowned.

"But we didn't…I mean, it was only _one_ pixie stick. It couldn't have lasted that long." He protested as Alec stood, walking over the Demitri, holding out his hand.

"Come on bud, hand it over." Demitri growled, dropping his car keys into Alec's waiting palm. Clutching his hand tightly, he then sauntered over to Heidi, dropping the keys onto her flat stomach.

"Oi vey." She said as Alec shrugged and walked away. She sat up, dangling the keys in front of Demitri's face. "Sorry sweetie, but it would seem that you've lost yet another bet."

With a huff, Demitri folded his arms over his chest, in a bit of a mocking-pout sort of fashion.

"Just don't hit anything." He muttered, watching Heidi walk away, laughing. He shot a glare at Alec who shrugged, turning back to his book.

"What?" Alec snapped up at him after a few minutes.

"Nothing," Demitri growled at him.

"Fine then, stop staring at me. You're creeping me out."

"Please," Demitri muttered. "Your face is enough to creep anyone out." Alec snarled and threw his book to the floor, standing to glare up at Demitri.

"You-!" The two growled at each other, and were about to break into an all-out brawl when Aro poked his head back into the room.

"Erm, could um, could the two of you…come help me for a minute?" Alec and Demitri tore their glare away from each other to give Aro a strange look.

"Why?" Demitri smacked Alec on the back of his head, earning another growl from the boy.

"Just, hurry. Please, Felix….there was…..Well, you should just see for yourself." Aro shot the two a pleading look before disappearing from view behind the door. They stood there for a minute or two, still confused.

"GET IN HERE NOW!" Aro yelled, causing the other two to sprint into the room just in time for Aro to yell "GET DOWN FROM THERE!" to Felix.

Demitri froze as he stared up at the ceiling to find Felix dangling from a chandelier. Alec burst out laughing, falling to his knees as Felix began his little singing/rant fest.

"BOW CHICKA BOW WOW!" He yelled, swinging. Alec fell onto his side, clutching his stomach as he laughed.

"FELIX! GET. DOWN. _NOW_!" Marcus yelled at the head of guard, getting a raspberry from Felix.

"MAKE ME GRANDPA!" Marcus frowned, growling. Demitri, having finally broken out of his daze, made his way over to Aro, who was busy throwing his shoes at Felix, trying to get him down.

"Aro, how did….How did this happen?" He asked the black haired man as he chucked one of his shoes at the crazy man's head. Aro smiled feebly, and shrugged.

"Shoe please," Aro said, holding out his hand.

"What? Oh, of course." Demitri bent over, quickly taking off his shoe and handing it to Aro. Aro nodded, and lobbed it as hard as he could at Felix's head.

"AH!" Felix yelled, grabbing his head with one hand and held onto the chandelier with the other. "THAT WAS MY GOOD EYE! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED _MMMMMEEEE!!!!_" Marcus blinked, shooting Aro a worried glance.

"ARO." Demitri practically shouted to the oblivious man before him.

"YO- What?" Aro snapped, glaring at Demitri while holding out his hand for the vampire's other shoe.

"How did this happen? Why is Felix-" He gestured at the lunatic screaming his lungs out (singing 'Ring-around-the-Rosie') with one hand. "-Acting like this?"

"Oh," Aro said as he took Demitri's other shoe. "Well," He threw it at the one hand Felix was using to hold on to the chandelier with, making him yelp. "There was this one human you see, and we didn't know what to do with him so…" He looked Demitri in the eye while he pointed at Felix.

"So…You fed him to Felix?" Aro nodded bluntly, looking around the room for something else to throw.

"Well, yes. But we didn't know…" He gazed up at him again. "That there'd be this reaction…"

"Did the man come from an asylum then or something?" Aro shrugged, now throwing a candelabra up in the air.

"Perhaps, but it's more what was in the man's system, then in his head." Demitri blinked, dropping the chair he was about to attack Felix with.

"You mean….there were……some, er, _illegal substances_ in his system?" Aro dropped the candle he was holding in laughter.

"No, no, it was er…" Aro bit his lip, trying to stifle his laughter. "No, it was……"

"Was what?" The guard asked, tossing the chair at Felix. Aro shook his head, still laughing.

"It was………_Sugar_. Lots and lots of sugar." At this Demitri too snickered, getting a glare from Marcus, Caius, and Alec, who were all busy still throwing things at Felix, who was now singing 'Random-Things-Are-Being-Thrown-At-Me.'

After a few minutes of chuckling and chucking things, Alec stopped, and strode over to Caius.

"You do know," He began, keeping his voice level. "That you could just ask Jane to get him down?" As if on cue, Jane appeared, strolling through the open door slightly amused. Everyone else in the room –minus Felix who was completely oblivious- stopped what they were doing, and glanced down at the girl.

"Jane, would you be a dear a torture Felix down for us?" Jane rolled her eyes and nodded before glaring a hole in Felix's head. Her eyes narrowed as she concentrated on causing the poor man pain.

"_EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" _Felix yelled, holding his head with his hands. "NOBODY WOVES WITTLE Ol' ME! WOE IS ME! WOE!" Jane growled, and focused on his pain even more. Still, he clung to the ceiling decoration, clutching his head.

He now hung upside down with his foot caught between two of the candle supports.

"EE! EE! ME MONKEY!" He cried out in pain again, which quickly stopped as Jane stared at him in shock.

"What in the world did you guys _do_ to him? Did you take out his brain and replace it with a monkey's?" Alec laughed again, holding his sides.

"Please! There was no brain to replace!" The rest of them sniggered, and burst into hysterics when Felix began to sing again, finally noticing Jane and smiling.

"_Jane, Jane_" He sang, smiling upside.

"What." Jane snapped at him, confused.

"_I'd bring her gold and frankincense and myrrh, she thought that I was making fun of her, she made me feel I was fourteen again…" _Jane frowned at him.

"What are you-?"

"_Jane doesn't think a man could ever be faithful, Jane isn't giving me a chance to be shameful, Jane, Jane…" _She opened her mouth, huffing indignantly.

"_I wrote a letter, she should have got it yesterday, That life could be better by being together, Is what I cannot explain to Jane, The girl works at the store, sweet Jane St. Clair, Was dazzled by her smile while I shoplift there…" _She glared at him, focusing on antagonizing him again, her annoyance helping her.

"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!" She screamed at him as he shrieked in pain, falling from the ceiling.

"I'm a birdie! I'm flying! I IS JEBUS!" He shouted as he plunged headfirst onto the stone floor. "OOWWIIEE! I gots a boo-boo!"

"Oi," Caius muttered, turning to right what remained of the chairs and tables.

Demitri chuckled along with Alec as Felix lay on the ground, muttering about his 'boo-boo's and 'owie's. Exasperated, Marcus bent over, trying to pull the vampire out of the indent he'd made.

"Will you kiss my ouchie?" He said to Marcus, giving him great big puppy eyes.

"_No._" Marcus snapped as he helped the deranged man up.

"Thank-a-you." Felix said, _giggling. _He then proceeded to run around the room yelling, laughing, singing, and then yelling and laughing some more. Demitri shot another look at Jane who just shook her head, turning to leave the room.

"Hey, he's _your_ problem now."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**Sooo….How bad was it? I was originally planning on making a one-shot of most of the guard getting arrested, but I decided to make it into its own short story. Haha, what trouble will they get into now?**

**Next Chapter: 'Hit Me Baby One More Time!'**

**--Kate**


	2. Hit Me Baby One More Time!

**I hope you all liked the last chapter; this one has even more funness in it. :)**

**Disclaimer: Me no own Twilight, the song mentioned, or the drawings that inspired this story.**

**Hit Me Baby One More Time!**

Felix's little sugar high still had yet to wind down, and it was taking its toll on the rest of the guard. Demitri had nearly lost it with the poor man, and Jane and Alec were busy redoing the room that Felix had set on fire.

Of course, nothing else was wrong.

Other than the fact that Heidi was still out with Demitri's car, and the three head vampires were trying to over see the festivities in the courtyards below, nothing else was wrong.

'Course Felix had determined otherwise.

"Felix, come on. Put that down." Demitri groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose as Felix began to play catch with the couch.

"Oh come ooooonnnnn!!! You're no fuuuuuun!" Looking almost teary eyed, Felix threw the couch to the floor, cracking it in half.

"Felix…" Demitri started, trying to calm the vamp down.

"No! It's always 'Felix this', or 'Felix that'! WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM?!" Again, Demitri groaned, sitting down on the one couch Felix had yet to destroy. A few minutes of Felix whimpering and Demitri trying not to kill him passed by before Felix spoke up again.

"You don't love me do you?" Demitri pinched the bridge of his nose again, glaring at Felix.

"No, we simply _adore_ you Felix." At this Felix smiled, clapping his hands together.

"Goodie goodie gum drop!" Demitri slammed his head back against the back of the couch, staring at the ceiling.

"Why me?" Felix began sprinting around the room, getting a strange look from Gianna as she shuffled through her papers, just staring at him.

"Erm, Felix?" At the sound of his name, he stopped and turned to her. He grinned at her with half closed eyes.

"'Ello………_baaaaaaybee_." He said, slurring his words as he walked slowly over to a shocked Gianna.

"Um, er, ahem…Felix…" He slapped a hand over her mouth, silencing her. She stared at him wide eyed as he knelt before her. "Ahem." She tried to say, suffocating under his hand covering both her mouth and nose.

"_Oh baby baby, oh baby baby…__"_ He started to sing, causing Gianna to scream silently. Unable to breath –and beginning to turn blue- Gianna grabbed at his hand, trying to pull it away from her. Gasping for air she shot a quick glance at Demitri, only getting an odd look from him.

Demitri, still confused, shot up when Gianna face took on a purple like color. "FELIX!"

"_Whaaaaat_?! YOU ARE INTERRUPTING MY BOOTY-FULL _SINGING_!!!" Felix whined, keeping his hand on Gianna's purple face.

"Felix you're suffocating her!" Demitri yelled, quickly lunging at Felix and ripping his hand away from the poor girl' face. Finally able to breath again, Gianna collapsed against the chair behind her desk. Felix fixed Demitri with a pout, crossing his arms over his chest.

"You meanie! I was singing!" He whined at him like a young kid.

"Yeah well, we can all do without your singing for awhile." Looking offended, Felix did the only thing he could think of at the moment. He blew a raspberry at the guard. In turn, Demitri did the only thing he could think of.

He slapped Felix on the back of the head.

"OWIE! YOU FAT HEAD!" Demitri, looking offended, slapped Felix again. Felix, enraged, stood up and glared at Demitri. Then he slapped him.

Demitri slapped him back.

Felix merely slapped him back.

Demitri slapped Felix again.

Felix slapped Demitri.

Gianna stood up and ran like heck out of the room as the two continued slapping each other. Felix, noticing Gianna was gone, yelled after her.

"NOOOO! Come back mio caro! J'adore toi! J'ADORE TOI!!!" Demitri blinked at him, shaking his head.

"Felix, stick with one language."

"Te odio, te meanie grande!" Felix yelled at him, stomping over to the only not destroyed couch. Demitri just blinked again, trying to figure out if Felix had just sworn at him of not.

"Where'd you learn Spanish and French?"

"……"

"Felix?" He asked again, turning to face the head guard's glare.

"…"

"_Felix?"_

"………_Your mom_!" Demitri gaped at him before narrowing his eyes and attacking him.

"YOU LEAVE HER OUT OF THIS!" Felix stuck his tongue out at Demitri, and ran to the other side of the room, screaming like a banshee that had been set on fire.

"Demitri!" Marcus yelled, sticking his head into the room to find Demitri kneeling on the floor and covering his ears with his hands.

"DEMITRI!" He over Felix's cries again, making them both jump. Felix giggled and ran to the window, 'hiding' behind to two foot long curtain.

"You can't see me!! YOU CAN'T SEE ME!" He shouted, giggling again. Demitri just stood up and ran toward the Volturi leader…er.

"What is it?" He whispered to Marcus, shooting a nervous glance at the still giggling sugar high Felix everyone once in awhile.

"You need to come with me. _Now._" Marcus half growled, half screamed at the guard member who just nodded.

"Okay. Felix," He called to the vampire who was now sticking his head out from behind to curtain.

"Yeees?" He said, trying to sound like that guy that always says '_Yeeeeees?_' from The Simpsons.

"Can you just stay there behind that curtain until I come back?" He asked, treating Felix as if he were a two year old.

"Maaaayybee…"

"Felix."

"Yes mommy." He said, giving an annoyed Demitri puppy eyes. Demitri opened his mouth to retort, but was cut off when Marcus grabbed his arm, dragging him behind the large wooden doors.

"Demitri," Marcus started, giving the vampire a worried glance. "Have you seen a white box with a red ribbon on it?" Demitri, who had been expecting something way more important-like a town on fire, an estranged rouge vampire, or even another sugar high crazy person-, narrowed his eyes at Marcus.

"You're kidding right?"

"No, no I'm not. You see, that box was sent to us from Forks for Caius's birthday, and well…" Marcus trailed off, his gaze wandering around the room nervously.

"Well what?"

"……We kind of lost it." Demitri just glared at Marcus again.

"Are you serious? You lost a _box_?"

"Yes well, it's just important that Felix doesn't go anywhere near it." Marcus said matter-of-factly.

"Why? Is it plans to another nuclear war head from Emmett? Or an Emo Elmo from Jasper?" Marcus now glared at Demitri.

"That's was April Fool's Day, and no that's not what was in the box. It was a box of candies." Demitri frowned, rolling his eyes.

"_Candy? CANDY?!_ What vampire in their right mind gives another vampire candy for their birthday?!" Marcus shrugged, shooting another worried glance around the room.

"It's the thought that counts, and Felix can't be allowed near it given current……_circumstances_."

"….Do I want to know?" Marcus bit his lip, nodding slightly.

"They're loaded with sugar, just don't let him touch them." Demitri shrugged as both he and Marcus turned back to the door, ready to go out into the lobby like room, trying to ignore the loud Brittany Spears music pounded from the festival on the streets below.

Marcus gasped as they opened the door, and Demitri just shook his head, appalled. Felix had disappeared, and in his place was an empty white candy box. _With a red ribbon sitting on the floor next to it._

Demitri, still shaking his head, began to say "Oh……My…" when they both ran to the window, just in time to find Felix standing on a stage singing,

"_Hit me baby one more time!"_

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**See, originally the sugar was wearing off, until Felix came up a white box with a red ribbon sitting on it. Curious and still hyper, Felix devoured every single one of the sugary pieces.**

**As for the French, Italian, and Spanish used in the story, I figured you might want a translation.**

"**Mio caro": my dear**

"**J'adore toi": I love you**

"**Te odio, te meanie grande!": I hate you, you big meanie**

**When do they get arrested you ask? You'll just have to find out.**

**Next Chapter: 'Shakira Shakira!'**

**Another big thank you to Ame Warashi for letting me write this. :)**

**--Kate**


	3. Disco Inferno

**Okay, I lied. This chapter was supposed to be called 'Shakira Shakira!', but since a couple people already voted for Aro's car exploding, I had no choice but the write this chapter.**

**And I forgot what was supposed to be in the 'Shakira Shakira!' chapter. But that's beside the point.**

**Disco Inferno**

"Good god." Demitri whispered, staring down blankly at Felix attempting to do 'the worm'. 'Attempting' being the key word.

"Is he…."

"But there…" The two vampires turned to give one another a bewildered look, each shaking their heads in disbelief. Demitri spoke first.

"Is it just me, or does it look like he's trying to, you know, impregnate the stage?" Marcus gave the guard a look of utter revulsion.

"Honestly Demitri!"

"Don't tell me that it's not what it looks like he's doing!! You know who were thinking that too!" Demitri huffed. Marcus shook his head.

"Well at least I for one have the decency not to say it out loud!" The two began to argue about not saying things versus saying things, when the topic shifted to how much Brittany Spears sucked.

"She's pitiful." Marcus offered, cringing as Felix began singing her number one lamest song, _'Hit Me Baby One More Time'_ again.

"No Marcus, she's TERRIBLE." Demitri retorted, now wishing he was deaf. Marcus opened his mouth to tell the vamp just how pitiful she was when Alec decided to walk by.

"She's a poor excuse for an icon and a mother, and she's been to the looney bin more times than she knows how to count-not that she knows how to count- and her own sons have been taken away from her and can't see them anymore. Yet Felix apparently thinks differently." He spat, wincing at Felix's now high pitched wail.

"She's an American pop artist, what do you expect?" Gianna –now back at her desk- stated, pleased with the fact that she could breathe again.

"I'd watch what you say if I were you, some American might be nearby and will somehow magically know everything we're saying." Caius muttered, glancing around him warily.

"Yeah right, like some American is actually witnessing this and will go on a rampage about how where's tearing apart Brittany Spears like a bunch of old ladies with nothing better to do than knit?" Demitri rolled his eyes as he continued. "Yeah right."

"You never know……They don't even have to be an American to go after you for this……" Caius whispered back, running to the throne room. Gianna yawned, reclining in her chair.

"That had to be one of the stupidest and one of the most unnecessary conversations that's ever taken place here in the castle." Marcus said flatly, glaring down at the screaming Felix down below, who had now decided to try crowd surfing, jumping into the mass only for people to scream and jump out of the way, which made Felix fall to the ground. Marcus winced. "That had to hurt…" He said under his breath as Demitri spoke again.

"You try spending more than two minutes in a room with a sugar high Felix and then come to me talking about random conversations." Marcus gave a serious Demitri a confused look as the guard nodded. Alec shivered.

"You don't even _want_ to know about the time that Felix decided to give Jane and me _**THE TALK**_." Another shiver ran up the boy's spine as he thought back to the week before when Felix had sat down with Alec who was busy watching Jane who had been busy torturing random people walking by the grounds. Marcus and Demitri grimaced.

"I though Aro gave you the talk." Marcus whispered. If it could, Alec's face would have gotten even paler.

"He did." Demitri blinked, taking awe back before a shiver ran down _his_ spine.

"_OH GOD._" Gianna sat up at this, shaking her head violently.

"I'm so scarred for life now, so scarred…" Marcus gave the secretary an incredulous look as Felix's music was abruptly cut off.

"You've lived with vampires for almost the past decade and you're just now scarred for life?!"

"Well none of them have been having the talk before!!!!!" She shot back at one of the Volturi leaders. Alec in turn shot a nervous glance around the room as Demitri watched Gianna and Marcus bicker, somewhat amused and enjoying the lack of irritating –and un-liked- pop music.

Without warning, Caius shot into the room, a frantic look on his face. Everyone else in the room now had their attention watch him, expecting something horrible. The obnoxious ring of the phone by Gianna interrupted the silence. She turned to answer the phone when Caius began to speak to the three vampires in a hushed voice.

"Come with me, and hurry please." He started, his gaze flickering over the three before him. "Felix is gone." Demitri smacked his head against the stone wall hard, leaving an indent.

"DID YOU JUST REALIZE THAT?!?!?!" He yelled, glaring at the white haired vamp.

"NO! I just-"

"ARGH!" Demitri bashed his head against the wall as Alec started to run to the throne room and toward the large window that looked down at the south side of the castle. The alley behind the castle was covered in a large shadow, blocking the Volturi's many cars from view of passerby. He squinted, ignoring Demitri and Caius yelling at each other when he noticed a dark figure hunched over by Aro's newest shiny ride, a faint orange glow beside him as he bent over the hood.

"DDDDDEEEEMMMMMMIIIITTTTRRRRIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!" Alec yelled, quickly dragging Demitri, Marcus and Caius over, gesturing toward the window. "The window." He stated, still shocked.

"Yes Alec, window. Very good." Demitri grunted, the rest of his snide remark cut over by Gianna's yell.

"DEMITRI!" He turned to walk back into the hallway. Alec yelled.

"DEMITRI!" He turned to walk back to the window.

"DEMITRI!" Hissing, he turned again to walk to Gianna.

"FELIX!" Marcus yelled, punching the glass panes. He immediately proceeded to push the rest of the glass away, gesturing for everyone else to come over. Gianna ran into the room. Marcus jumped out into the air, quickly followed by Caius and Alec. Demitri got up on the sill, and out of the window just in time for Gianna to yell,

"Heidi's been arrested for speeding!"

Demitri gasped, but found himself unable to go back into the throne room, since he was now free falling down onto the parking lot. Marcus, Caius, and Alec had been able to land gracefully on the ground between two cars, and Demitri soon found out that he wasn't going to be as lucky.

With a startled yelp, he collided with the hood of Heidi's car, yet quickly jumped off to run with the others over to where Felix was, now pulling away from Aro's car, smirking.

Demitri ran at him, but gasped when Marcus reached out and yanked him back by pulling on his hood. Felix jumped up and smirked as he ran over to them, diving just in time.

The four vampires –minus the one who was giggling uncontrollably on the ground- stood in awed silence, watching Aro's car erupt into a fireball, shooting up into the air only to crash back down loudly a few seconds later.

"Well thank god-" Demitri began to say, trailing off as the car next to Aro's burning one caught on fire, which set another car on fire, which caused a chain reaction. "-No other cars were destroyed…" he finished, running to the only fireproof spot with the others, where Felix now stood.

They all glared at him, while he merely stood rooted to the spot, laughing, smiling –doing the disco -badly- -, and singing with the siren wails that wer steadily going closer,

"_Burn baby burn, disco inferno!"_

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**-sighs- And it could have been so much better….Ah well, at least something was set on fire.**

**So Heidi's been arrested, so that means…**

_**One down, ...quite a few to go.**_

**This should be amusing. –evil grin-**

**Kate**


End file.
